Mikel
Margaret V.Doran
Where have you gone, Mikel Carlson, sorcerer of my youth
I wonder if you continued
to follow your heart
to the darkest corners of the earth
I could have loved you if I had had the courage
But I was full of fears in my youth
there were shadows surrounding you
in mystery
in disquieting flutterings of my heart
I could have loved you if I had had the courage
Love was to be a formula, I could not turn toward shadows
I had to see where it was going
to orchestrate the journey
to ensure its longevity
I could have loved you if I had had the courage
You took me by surprise and rattled all of my
sensibilities by acting on your feelings
by daring to invite me in
by challenging me to join
I could have loved you if I had had the courage
Your face with its deep cleft chin filled pages of my sketchpad
staring back, mocking me from your shadows
with dark intense eyes hooded
with a shock of unruly hair
I could have loved you if I had had the courage
You tapped on my window at two a.m.
you drove sixty miles to tell me it was snowing
to hold my hand in the darkness of morning
to walk with me and make snow angels
I could have loved you if I had had the courage
Around us the gently blowing whiteness swirled
lighting the black sky with flakes of unbridled joy
in the warmth of you
in the predawn pre-light
I could have loved you if I had had the courage
You sent me a rose and a poem where I work
and I was filled with consternation
by the words you wrote
by your unembarrassed delight in life, in me
I could have loved you if I had had the courage
I did not know the spirit of a poet when you penned the lines
and I was frightened by the threat to my mapped future
of the strange stirrings of my heart
of you and your illusive shadows
I could have loved you if I had had the courage
But I could not explore the obscurities about you
I already loved another in safety and I was afraid
to try my heart
to test my feelings
I could have loved you if I had had the courage
In my youth, I was terrified of passions which could consume
and turn control over to wild fantasies
because thinking of you left me breathless
because I needed time to learn about passion
I could have loved you if I had had the courage
As each of my children was born I deleted the name Michael
from the list of possibilities
for it belonged to you
for it hinted of shadowy lust
I could have loved you if I had had the courage
And sometimes I wonder about you and what you are doing
you were very good, you know, are you still writing poetry
about walks in the snow
about dreams coming true
I could have loved you if I had had the courage
Where have you gone, Mikel Carlson, sorcerer of my youth
have all your dreams come true
by following your passions
by refusing to give in to the formula
I did not love you . . . because I lacked the courage
Copyright © 1997
Margaret V. Doran. All rights reserved.
If you enjoyed this poem, please send her an e-mail here. 
Updated July 1, 1999
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